Dear Agent (or the Secret Life of Agents)
Each and every example here is absolutely true. Take these six stories as a warning if you truly never want an
agent! All names and identifying titles have been omitted to protect the guilty. Punctuation and spelling left as is
in all its horrible glory.
1. The Demanding Approach
"Dear Agent, As announced in my email from July 13, I send to you today the short email-version of my Book:
The XXXXXXXX-Xxxxx. Pleas make a printout of the 9 pages and read it. This Book will easily sell 1 million
copies worldwide! Please make a decision, if you want to have it. I want to close the Publishing contract as
soon as possible. You can send me your offer by Fax or by Email."
Oh yeah, that's going to make me just rush out and sign you up!
2. The Tantrum
The following is a classic. I used to try and help writers by taking the time to give them some feedback. For
some reason because it was by e-mail, writers had no compunction in throwing a fit of temper and sending me
something like this:
"Dear agent: Thank you for reviewing my work. Fortunately your comments show that you know nothing about
literary fiction and that you did not read my manuscript, so I am pleased with your rejection. I did read your
boiler plate comments; unfortunately they reveal more about your lack of attention to my manuscript than about
the manuscript itself!" Thanks, you're so sweet.
3. The Arrogant Asshole
Here's a cutie. This guy has the flashiest website, the best PR, and most intriguing query letter. Unfortunately,
it seems the bigger the 'sell', the worse the writing. This was his response to our rejection:
"You sound like you need to spend a few more years in play school and grow up, Lizzy -- you don't know what
in hell you're talking about. How old are, 16, 19 20…"
He queried again about a year later and when again rejected, he wrote this to my colleague:
"What kind of asshole are you son, you must still be in short pants. Time to grow up…"
He really is obsessed with age, isn't he…?
4. The Badger
This writer kept e-mailing us to ask the status of his manuscript. That's not necessarily a problem, except he
began writing a week after we received his work and continued to follow up every couple of days! I politely
asked him to be patient.
"I'm not impatient. I'm a self educated dyslexic who waited 43 years to write. I didn't get where I am today for
someone to be rude toward my efforts Damn you and your establishment!"
If I had a dollar for every time I've been damned…
5. The Psycho
If you're offended by foul language and distasteful subjects, scroll down past this one. This psycho's attitude
displays how bad it can be out there.
"Dear expert, my sincere and honest feelings for you are pity. To think that you are someone who dares to
make judgement on the statements of your peers and betters. You sad pathetic little bitch. Oh dear, someone
said the word 'fuck' to you. How do you expect to ever get in touch with any serious thinker alive today when
you can not accept the word 'fuck'. I bet you're a little uptight frigid whore whose never seen a good size dick in
her life. You are a little parasite who feeds off the stock of the creative types of this world. I wish your mother
had had an abortion and saved the world the waste of space that your pathetic ugly little body occupies. Get
out of my sight you fucking little slag. I bet you're ugly aren't you."
Nice guy! His query letter was this: "I'm fucking bored--let's sell my work." Just the kind of person I've waited
my whole life to work with. Cheers! Lizzy
agent! All names and identifying titles have been omitted to protect the guilty. Punctuation and spelling left as is
in all its horrible glory.
1. The Demanding Approach
"Dear Agent, As announced in my email from July 13, I send to you today the short email-version of my Book:
The XXXXXXXX-Xxxxx. Pleas make a printout of the 9 pages and read it. This Book will easily sell 1 million
copies worldwide! Please make a decision, if you want to have it. I want to close the Publishing contract as
soon as possible. You can send me your offer by Fax or by Email."
Oh yeah, that's going to make me just rush out and sign you up!
2. The Tantrum
The following is a classic. I used to try and help writers by taking the time to give them some feedback. For
some reason because it was by e-mail, writers had no compunction in throwing a fit of temper and sending me
something like this:
"Dear agent: Thank you for reviewing my work. Fortunately your comments show that you know nothing about
literary fiction and that you did not read my manuscript, so I am pleased with your rejection. I did read your
boiler plate comments; unfortunately they reveal more about your lack of attention to my manuscript than about
the manuscript itself!" Thanks, you're so sweet.
3. The Arrogant Asshole
Here's a cutie. This guy has the flashiest website, the best PR, and most intriguing query letter. Unfortunately,
it seems the bigger the 'sell', the worse the writing. This was his response to our rejection:
"You sound like you need to spend a few more years in play school and grow up, Lizzy -- you don't know what
in hell you're talking about. How old are, 16, 19 20…"
He queried again about a year later and when again rejected, he wrote this to my colleague:
"What kind of asshole are you son, you must still be in short pants. Time to grow up…"
He really is obsessed with age, isn't he…?
4. The Badger
This writer kept e-mailing us to ask the status of his manuscript. That's not necessarily a problem, except he
began writing a week after we received his work and continued to follow up every couple of days! I politely
asked him to be patient.
"I'm not impatient. I'm a self educated dyslexic who waited 43 years to write. I didn't get where I am today for
someone to be rude toward my efforts Damn you and your establishment!"
If I had a dollar for every time I've been damned…
5. The Psycho
If you're offended by foul language and distasteful subjects, scroll down past this one. This psycho's attitude
displays how bad it can be out there.
"Dear expert, my sincere and honest feelings for you are pity. To think that you are someone who dares to
make judgement on the statements of your peers and betters. You sad pathetic little bitch. Oh dear, someone
said the word 'fuck' to you. How do you expect to ever get in touch with any serious thinker alive today when
you can not accept the word 'fuck'. I bet you're a little uptight frigid whore whose never seen a good size dick in
her life. You are a little parasite who feeds off the stock of the creative types of this world. I wish your mother
had had an abortion and saved the world the waste of space that your pathetic ugly little body occupies. Get
out of my sight you fucking little slag. I bet you're ugly aren't you."
Nice guy! His query letter was this: "I'm fucking bored--let's sell my work." Just the kind of person I've waited
my whole life to work with. Cheers! Lizzy
Pacific NW Literary Associates
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| A local literary editing and consultant service pacificliterary at yahoo dot com |